The Best Marriage I Never Wanted

I married a humble, godly, romantic man at twenty years old. Did I mention he just happens to have a phenomenal voice and is a gifted songwriter? He writes me songs, loves Jesus like crazy, and because of his music career, we’ve traveled the world together. Every girls’ dream, right? Yet, exactly two weeks into marriage, I wrote this in my journal:

“Why am I so unhappy? So scared and confused?”

Surprised? I was too. Let me explain.

The Illusion

You see, God saved me early in life. I couldn’t get enough of the Word and longed to know as much of God as possible. Yet along with a genuine love for God, an unseen and deep-rooted pride developed in my heart. Maybe it was the subconscious joy I found in the acclaim of people for being such a “good Christian.” Maybe I couldn’t help but notice how little outward sin I struggled with. No matter how it started, this pride grew unnoticed in my heart, watered with the praise of others and my own comparison to my peers.

Like the Pharisees, I was utterly blind to my religious pride. My self-deceit was a textbook example of what Jeremiah and Paul described: “The arrogance of your heart has deceived you. For if you think you are something when you are nothing, you have deceived yourself” (Jer 49:16, Gal 6:3). Had you asked me if I struggled with pride, I would have said, “Oh no! I know that apart from Christ I can do nothing.” It was going to take a miracle for God to open my eyes to see this sickness in my soul.

My miracle came in the form of a husband. Though I knew marrying Jimmy was a gift from God, I had no idea just how good or how painful a gift this would be. Right after our honeymoon, we travelled to Nashville for Jimmy to promote his new record. Surrounded by people who were enthralled with my new husband, I became the recipient of a new kind of accolade.

“How lucky you are to be married to such a wonderful man!”
“Isn’t he talented?”
“God has greatly gifted your husband!”

But these compliments were praising Jimmy, not me! In an instant, I grew angry, resentful, and insecure.

What about me?!
I’m pretty awesome, too!
Have you seen how great of a Christian I am?
How gifted I am?
He’s the lucky one, not me!

Accustomed to receiving attention, I watched others line up to commend my husband, get his autograph, and take his picture. This monstrous pride that had been lying dormant suddenly reared its ugly head. And boy was it nasty.

keep reading…..

4 Comments

  1. Kelly, thank you so much for your honesty and sharing this part of your journey! I have only been married a little over a year and have struggled with similar things. I love that my husband loves the Lord so much and that he is so passionate about learning. However, I have often felt in his shadow because he is so smart, articulate, and I know so many people admire him. We have recently been through a difficult season with my health and part of this involved me not being able to chaperone a youth group trip with him this past week. I felt so inadequate because he was out sharing the gospel and I had to stay behind. I felt guilty for not trusting the Lord enough to take care of me if I had gone on the trip, and I was envious that he got to have that experience. But wow, did this post (and some of your other ones on pride and humility) hit home for me, on so many levels. I know the Lord is burning away my pride in my marriage, and you are right, it is painful, but necessary. Thank you for the encouragement and reminder that it is not about me, but about our precious, awesome, Lord!

  2. Ana

    My goodness!!! Why am I in tears??? Kelly, you really hit home with your words. I can honestly say that I didn’t know how much pride I carried until I married my husband. The past 2 1/2 years have been a learning experience of not only my marriage but of myself and what I’m made of.

    I was born and raised in church and I sang in the church choir for most of my life. I was proud and I felt superior to others with the gift of song. Nonetheless, I fell into sin (don’t we all?) yet became pregnant out of wedlock. The wedding was planned in less than 2 weeks and of course I was too ashamed to even show my face in a church.

    All I can say is the grace of God has lifted my head up MANY times to accept his forgiveness and to forgive myself. I have to remember that I remain a Child of the Most High God and that he’s washed all sin and calls me His. I have had to humble myself to the lowest, and in these moments is where I’ve felt His love the most.

    To be honest, I still struggle with pride. I struggle with saying “I’m sorry” and taking the blame for something I did. But I’ve to remind myself, if God forgave me, who am I to not forgive others?

    Thank you for your story Kelly. May God bless you and your family! 🙂

  3. Destiny

    Reblogged this on The Unveiled Project and commented:
    “God may give you the marriage you’ve always wanted, but it may be to expose sin that you don’t want to see.”

    Sheesh these articles this morning are on point!

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