Women & Sexual Temptation: Learning to Talk About Lust

For as long as I’ve been in church, I’ve known that sexual sin is a guy’s struggle. Lust, sexual fantasies, pornography, masturbation. These were all things common to man, not common to woman. So what was I to do when my mom’s Victoria’s Secret catalog arrived, and I secretly ogled over the pictures wishing I looked like those women? Or when I replayed intimate and sexual scenes from Titanic in my head? Or when I discovered certain parts of my body felt great when touched in a certain way? A Christian girl ought not to deal with such things.

But the truth is lust is a temptation common to humanity, not just men. Lust is a desire for something that isn’t yours to have. And plenty of women, myself included, have lusted for the pursuit and intimacy of a husband way before it was ours to have. We might not struggle in all the same ways as our brothers do, but every one of us knows the pull of lustful temptations. For most women, the lust battle is birthed in the emotions. Give us a gushy romantic comedy or a sensual book like The Notebook, and it can do us in. For women, the idea of emotional intimacy and sensuality can be a lot more tempting than a naked body.

But regardless of where the temptation arises, giving into lust is sin. And like all sin, we need to confess it and be reminded of the blood of Jesus shed for it. But I’m afraid far too many women leave sexual sin undealt with because they believe the lie that lust is a man’s struggle. This is my reason for even bringing up such a sensitive and somewhat controversial topic: Unconfessed sin inhibits the healing our souls need and keeps us from an experiential reality of our forgiveness in Christ (James 5:16; 1 John 1:9).

Start the Conversation

When was the last time someone in your prayer group confessed to looking at pornography? Or masturbation? Or entertaining sexual fantasies? Or replaying certain sensual chick-flick scenes over and over again? Guaranteed, these sin struggles are happening in your church. (I know they are in mine.) But when we don’t talk about them, a subtle message is conveyed: Sexual sins are unacceptable among women.

My husband and I lead the college home group at our church. Every year I make it a point to bring up sexual sin issues when just the ladies are together. I share my hope that our home group would be a safe place for them to bring sin into the light, even the “messy” ones like masturbation or fantasies or pornography. I briefly share that I struggled in silence with masturbation and fantasies for years. Learning to confess my sins to God and others was the beginning of my victory through the Good News of all Jesus has done for me. I remind our college girls that we all carry the filthy stains of sin and that Christ can cleanse them all.

Every year many young women confess hidden sexual sins and battles with lust for the first time. Some share that lust became a struggle after they were abused. Some were simply curious children when they discovered the parts of their body that felt good when touched. Some were exposed to movies and books that opened the door to lust far too early in life. Some were sexually active before they were saved and, though now remaining abstinent, still battle an intense desire for sexual intimacy. Others have been so sheltered they didn’t know the weird things they did in the shower had a name. All of these women knew these things were wrong but didn’t know how to stop or who to talk to.

Frank and straightforward talk can take away the “power” these sexual sins seem to have. These conversations open the doors for the cleansing flood of the gospel to wash over all our filthy stains. Until we feel the glorious truth that there is no condemnation for those in Christ, we don’t find the confidence to run to our Savior for victory over sexual sins.

Whether you have battled these sexual lusts yourself or not, you can help start the conversation many of your sisters in Christ need to have. Share your own story, or briefly mention how the passage of Scripture you’re studying together applies to lust or sexual temptation. And when lust is mentioned, don’t discuss it as just a guy struggle.

Helping Women to Fight Lust Well

Because of my hidden struggle with lust over the years, I entered marriage with a wall of shame around my sexuality. I had no category for good sexuality that is part of God’s design. Yes, I knew it was good in marriage, and I knew I wanted to experience it. But since I never heard other women wrestle with such struggles, the fact that I longed for sexual experiences made me feel dirty and gross. So now, as a married woman, how was I supposed to jump into this without shame, to pursue sexuality freely?

Fighting sexual sin must start with understanding the purpose and place of our sexuality. The same is true for understanding the purpose of food in fighting gluttony. Or the purpose of money in fighting greed. Food, money, and sex are not bad in and of themselves. But an improper use of them, for the wrong reasons or in the wrong ways, is sin.

So what is the purpose and place for our sexual expression? The Garden of Eden is the location of the first moment of pure and shameless sexual expression. In Genesis 1, God commands sexual expression: “Be fruitful and multiply.” And in Genesis 2 we see it is natural and normal for a man and wife to be sexually intimate, “they shall become one flesh,” and that this carried no shame at all, “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” This reminds us of two important truths:

  • Sex is good.
  • Sex is for a married man and his wife.

We must have those two truths in our framework as we fight sexual sin. Here is why: Most sexual sin is not a desire for a bad thing but the desire for a good thing expressed prematurely or in an inappropriate context. We cannot call the desire for sex in marriage bad. This is a good desire. But if God has not provided the spouse, then His clear answer is not yet, not now.

When I talk to single women who struggle with their desire to be sexy, to be romantically desired, I first remind them, “If God gives you a husband that will be such a gift to him and to your marriage!” This prevents the attachment of unnecessary shame to the desire for sex and upholds it as a gift of God for marriages. Knowing these truths can give women the courage to talk to God about their desires and struggles and to fight sin without unnecessary shame.

Biblical discussion about sexuality can also prevent women from carrying shame into marriage. It can prepare them to be sexually confident wives who understand the purpose and place of sex and to enjoy it appropriately in God’s good design. They can then use it to serve their husband and live in healthy oneness with the man God has given them.

Chase the Greater Good

God is the source of all good gifts. If sex in marriage is something you see as desirable, how much greater is the Giver of that good gift! He is enough for the long-suffering of unfulfilled desires. He is the greater good. Sex, like food, is pointing to the greater reality of Himself. Jesus said He is the Bread of life. He is what good food is pointing to. Paul said the mystery of sex is talking about the unity we have with Christ. Union with Christ is what good sex is pointing to.

Turn your energy to chase after Christ with all that you have. In the meantime, keep creating a safe space for women to confess their struggle with sexual sin, so God’s daughters might find repentance, healing, and restoration in this area. And that through the power of the gospel, we might become more equipped servants of our One True Love.

Originally posted on TrueWoman.com.

11 Comments

  1. Hi Kelly,
    I was appreciating the positive, constructive conversation here between you and me, as well as another commenter or two. I am surprised to see that it seems our comments have been removed. Can you tell me why that was?
    Thanks,
    Emily

    1. Hi Emily! This post was originally posted on the True Woman blog. We had that conversation there. That’s why you aren’t seeing the comments here. Here is the link to the original post and comments: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/true-woman/blog/women-and-sexual-temptation-learning-talk-about-lu/

  2. Anonymous

    Wow! Amazing article that describes perfectly some of our struggles, my struggles to be specific, in a topic considered so taboo in church and that as women we are so exposed. I have read some articles about sexual temptation and lust but this one has a comforting and healing touch to my life, confronting me with kindness, and no to walk in shame knowing that i am not alone with another christian women and that I can talk to my God about it. May God continues using you as instrument for his glory. Greetings from Honduras
    (Sorry for my english, it is not my native language)

  3. Stephanie

    Thank you for writing this. It’s really becoming a pet peeve of mine that it’s taboo for women in the church to have sexual temptation. I want to not complain but to actually do something helpful. A really awesome app I have found to be very effective in overcoming temptation is rtribe (.org). I highly recommend it!

    1. Thanks for commenting, Stephanie! The app looks helpful, but ideally the local church is filling this role. Of course, the first step towards that is creating a space for the conversation to happen!

  4. […] Above All Else | Women & Sexual Temptation: Learning to Talk About Lust […]

  5. Anonymous

    Great post. Very encouraging.

  6. Kiley

    Thank you for this post! I always had the same thought that lust was a “man’s problem”. As I have gotten older I’ve realized it’s a woman’s problem as well. A friend of mine gave me the book “Every Woman’s Battle” which is a great read on this topic. I highly recommend it!!

  7. Abi

    Kelly,
    Thank you so much for this post, it is the first time I read something this sincere, please keep posting on this topic! We need to read more of this, as it is not very common in churches. If you have a list of books you could recommend would be awesome!
    Greetings from Mexico

  8. Casey

    Thank you for being so upfront about this and presenting everything with Christ as the reference point. You described my struggles to a T — I didn’t know it was this common. Thanks for the great encouragement. Pray that God provides me a safe space to confess and find healing

  9. Jenna

    Wow. Thank you Kelly. As someone who has also struggled with these things, I’m so thankful you are speaking out on it as it is SO needed among Christian women. So thankful for your blog.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s